The Jack Rules
by Tintenschwert
Summary: Everyone has certain lifes to follow in hisher life. Just what are the rules of Captain Sparrow?
1. 01 to 50

**The Jack Rules**

Disclaimer: I do not own Jack. Or PotC. Why have you forsaken me, God? Just one Jack, please

Summary: Inspired (partially by my own fic "All your fault") I decided that Jack has to have some rules in his life.

And here they are:

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#01. I am Captain Jack Sparrow.

#02. Rum is good.

#02a. No rum, no good.

#03. I love the Pearl.

#03a. The Black Pearl is mine.

#04. Barbossa sucks.

#04a. Everyone who steals my ship sucks.

#05. Slapping is (mostly) not deserved and painful.

#06. Being a pirate rules.

#07. You have heard of me...

#08. Locker is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

#09. Seeing myself multiple times is weird...but I´m not crazy.

#10. It´s totally normal how I walk.

#11. Not my head spins, that´s the world around me.

#12. I am Captain Jack Sparrow.

#13. I hate anything with tentacles.

#14. I am a better Captain than Barbossa ever will be.

#15. Tattoos are cool.

#16. My bandana is not pink.

#16a. It was red, it just faded.

#17. I have a good singing voice.

#17. I was the only pirate lord with something valuable as a piece of eight.

#18. Mistress Ching is creepy.

#19. Flying- Dutchman- Jack is creepy too.

#19a. The brain licking was gross.

#20. Jackpot is a cool word.

#21. It´s ok to cheat, I am a pirate.

#22. I did NOT run away.

#23. I didn´t steal it, I borrowed it.

#23a. Without permission but with sincere intense to bring it back.

#24. I don´t know how Cotton trained his parrot.

#25. Barbossa´s monkey is creepy.

#25a. I don´t know why it´s name is Jack, too.

#26. When anything goes wrong, blame it on somebody else.

#26a. Or run.

#27. Whoever invented the word "Parley" was a nice man.

#27a. Although it were the French.

#27b. It´s a pain in the --- to pronounce it though.

#28. I´m not afraid of Anamaria.

#29. I don´t have any shoulder angels/devils.

#29a. Ask Dutchman- Jack if you don´t believe me.

#30. Immortality -yay!

#31. Fountain of Youth/Aqua Vitae win

#32. Locker baaaaaaaaaaad

#32a. I did not say that before.

#33. Tortuga is a cool town.

#34. Singapore is cool.

#34a. Sao Feng isn´t.

#35. My dad is the keeper of the Code. Awesome.

#36. He keeps the shrunk head of my mom with him. Gross.

#37. I´m not drunk!

#38. Seaturtles, mate.

#39. Eating people is bad.

#39a. I hate the Pelegostos.

#40. Jailhouse Dog is mean.

#41. Beckett is an ---.

#41a. Davy Jones, too.

#41b. Hard to believe but I like Barbossa better than these two.

#42. MINE

#43. Unless he knew you wouldn´t believe the truth even if he told you.

#44. Pretty boat -ship.

#45. I am not stalked by stones.

#46. Gold is nice.

#47. I don´t walk funny.

#48. Norrington sucks.

#48a. yes, I did hire him...he still sucks

#49. Where´s the thump-thump?

#50. Carving one´s heart out is just ewwwwwww.

* * *

Author´s talk: It after 2 am now. I can write whatever I want.

Reviews would be nice; if you have any rules to add, please tell me.

And I´m not sure about the order of the rules: #1 is the most important, then the number is irrelevant.


	2. 51 to 100

**The Jack Rules**

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything related to PotC...cept various posters and the DVD...

Summary: even more Jack Rules

Thanks: to my reviewers, purplediamond7, crockergirl and generaljess

Special thanks: to generaljess for contributing some rules

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#51. Tia Dalma is ...creepy, somewhat. 

#52. I fought normal pirates, undead pirates, the navy, fish-pirates, a giant kraken, Davy Jones - what´s next?

#53. Why is the rum gone?

#54. Some people think I am mad.

#54a. Inluding me.

#55. I am a pirate lord, how cool is that?

#55a. Sri Sumbabjee is a strange man.

#55b. I did not laugh when he spoke.

#56. I can´t believe I agreed with Elizabeth.

#57. I got a jar of dirt.

#58. My dad does not look like captain Hook.

#58a. Who is that, anyway?

#59. Pintel is creepy.

#60. Impersonating the cleric was fun.

#61. I am positively the most fearsome pirate in the Spanish Main, love. I am NOT a good guy, I just...have my moments...

#61a. and I like to wave at them as they pass by.

#62. I was rooting for Norrington

#62a. for a while

#63. Will's a eunich

#63a Snippy-snippy in pelegostonian

#64. Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly.

#65. Don't. Diss. The Beard.

#66. I did not get slapped by every female person I´ve ever met.

#66a. Seriously.

#67. I have the coolest pirat flag ever.

#68. I still think immortality is a good idea.

#69. My peanut.

#69a. MY peanut.

#70.Hoist the colors is a creepy song.

#71. Drink up me hearties, yo-ho,

#72. I hate the East India Trading Company.

#73. I was just an almost innocent bystander.

#73a. Honestly.

#74. I don´t like Barbossa, but his apples are delicious.

#74a. I don´t understand why a grown man like him is so obsessed over these green little things.

#75. I did sack Port Nassau whitout firing a shot.

#75a. I am just too drunk to remember what I did instead.

#76. Dropping me from the crow´s nest too see if I would fly is a stupid idea, Dad.

#76a. I think, too, that mum would be very pissed.

#77. Hey! I sould my soul for the Pearl, give it back, Barbossa!

#77a. I´d die for her.

#77b. Hey! I did! Give it BACK!

#78. The list of crimes charged against me is longer than those of all the other pirate lords together.

#78a. Although Barbossa beats me for the "whackiest point": His was stealing a bush of apples.

#78b. Honestly! How can one man be obsessed so much?

#79. Jack rules.

#79a. Not the monkey.

#80. I am not cleptomanic.

#80a. I just happen to like stealing.

#81. Me and Barbossa are not like little kids fighting over a toy.

#82. DAD! Barbossa´s picking on me!

#83. Gibbs and I are not soulmates.

#83a. We just happen to think about rum a lot.

#84. African shamans are creepy.

#85. All shamans are creepy.

#86. Yeah, the coffin boat was indeed creepy. And gross.

#87. I didn´t do it.

#88. Stop blowing holes into my ship!

#89. I like my hat.

#90. The crown did suit me.

#91. Immortal Jack Sparrow - sounds cool, eh?

#91a. The Last Pirate Jack Sparrow has a ring to it...but it´s creepy.

#92. What are you DOING?

#93. The meaning of "silent as the grave" is totally clear to me.

#94. I did not copy my dad´s hairstyle.

#95. Davy Jones looked so ridiculous (and grumpy) in that bucket.

#96. Not without my effects!

#97. You smell funny!

#98. The wig of Governor Swann looks just like the one of Capitaine Chevalier.

#99. That´s interesting.

#100. Monkey!

* * *

Author´s talk: Wow, that´s amazing. I posted this story like 12 hours ago and so many reviews...cool. 

For a fic created from Jack-Craving and sleep deprivation, that´s bloody awesome.

Reviews are nice.


	3. 101 to 150

**The Jack Rules**

Disclaimer: Still not mine

Summary: 101 to 150

Thanks: to my lovely reviewers, I didn´t think that this little story would be so ..dare I say it---popular.

You rule mates. Hugs and cookies to purplediamond7, Brix, Angelstreasure, Rose´s Thorne, JeanieBeanie33 and crockergirl.

* * *

#101. I confess: It´s my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, rape,. pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my wisely black guts out.

#102. It´s amazing how many people to something stupid right after you warned them.

#103. Why on earth does the navy recrute people who can´t swim?

#104. Take what you can.

#104a. And then run as fast as you can.

#105. If this would be a dream, there´d be rum.

#106. The "P" on my arm does not mean "Pillaging"

#106a. Nor "Poppet"

#106b. or "Pistols aim here"

#107. A lot of people will remember the day when they -almost- caught Captain. Jack. Sparrow.

#108. Would it actually be wise to tell someone that you´re going to fight cruel, demented, vicious pirates who cannot be killed?

#109. I certainly can´t remember saying that.

#110. WHOA!

#111. Deserts suck.

#112. I walk, I don´t prance.

#113. A sparrow is a cool symbolic animal.

#113a. Every dork has an eagle or a falcon.

#114. Why does everyone say that my dad looks like Blackbeard? Who the hell is this Blackbeard-guy anyway?

#115.My sash is not pink.

#116. It´s not good to be the king - especially when your inferiors try to eat you.

#117. Why the hell is Barbossa the Pirate Lord of the Kaspian Sea when all he did was spending ten years haunting the Caribbean sea?

#117a. and you do know that the Kaspian Sea is actually a big lake in East Europe?

#117b. I was a cartographer once. Or something.

#117c. And Barbossa (spanish for red-beard) is said to be a Spanish pirate, isn´t he?

#118. I know that pirates are not creative with names.

#118a. Shipwreck Island ring a bell?

#119. I hate being marooned.

#119a. And especially twice on the same island.

#120. Nobody move! Dropped me brain.

#121. "Yo-ho" and "Arrrgh" are international pirate terms and do not need translation.

#122. I didn´t mean it.

#123. Pirates are a (sometimes) cowardly and superstitious lot.

#123a. Really. But with all the cursed gold, deals to avoid death, banning a goddess..wouldn´t you?

#123b. But Gibbs tops them all.

#124. Am I a mutiny-magnet or something?

#125. Am I the only one who thinks that it is somewhat inappropiate to call the island which has the key to endless life "Isla de muerta" (Island of Death)?

#126. It is remarkable how close madness and brillance coincide.

#127. I did not call Will "whelp" because he has puppy eyes.

#128. If every town in the world would be like Tortuga, no man would ever feel unwanted.

#129. I am planning to take out a patent on my grins.

#130. It´s only a matter of leverage.

#131. I am the best pirate you´ve every seen.

#132. The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do, and what a man can´t do.

#132a. I can do anything, I am captain Jack Sparrow.

#133. Hello Beastie.

#134. Welcome to the Caribbean, love.

#135. We must fight.

#135a. So that we can run afterwards again.

#136. Many people have tried to kill me in the past.

#136a. Astonishing that only one succeeded.

#137. Nigh uncatchable. The Black Pearl.

#137a. I still don´t believe that the bastard Barbossa managed to take it from me again.

#138. Why did we call Elizabeth the King of the Pirates?

#138a. I hope for mother´s love that she was really a girl.

#139. Many men spend years of their life sleeping. I spend years of my life hanging down from ropes and trying to evade my persuers.

#140. The undead Jack didn´t look soooooo bad.

#140a. Better than Barbossa in any case.

#141. Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?

#142. Yeah, me neither.

#142a. I don´t follow orders.

#143. Human hair. From my back.

#144. You don´t want to be doing this.

#145. Whoever invented that thing called grammar was a cruel, vicious bastard who deserved to be hung by the neck.

#145a. I hope somebody did that.

#146. Dead men tell no tales.

#146. Which bloody idiot said that? Barbossa and his crew ring a bell? Davy Jones and his fish-people? What about me?

#147. Silver would be a very stupid pirate name for a captain.

#148. I think Barbossa rehearsed his "Begun by blood, by blood undone" speech several times.

#148a. I doubt that I would have anything better to do when being undead for a decade.

#149. I expect to leave you standing on some beach with absolutely no name at all, watching me sail away on MY ship and then I´ll shout the name back to you.

#150. Savy?

* * *

Author´s talk:

Wow. Three chapters written in actually 24 hours. That has to be a record. So many people reviewed. How cool is that?

I love you guys.


	4. 151 to 200

**The Jack Rules**

Disclaimer: not mine

Summary: Rules 151 to 200

Thanks: to all my awesome reviewers, you guys totally rock.

Free eyepatches for Brix, purplediamond7, I am the Root of all Evil...or did you want peg-legs?

Thanks for contributing to this list to make it more Jack-like

* * *

#151. No matter how many times you shoot the monkey, it keeps coming back.

#151a. And it steals eyes and hats.

#151b. And it claimed that it really missed you...suspicious.

#152. Norrington and every other man in the Navy who wear white wigs look like ice-creams.

#153. I´m sure Barbossa rehearsed his other speeches to the Brethren, too.

#154. And he would make a lousy wizard.

#154a. You have to speak with love, mate.

#155. The person who said that only death is making the day worth living was an idiot.

#155a. Oh, that just happens to be Barbossa. What an idiot!

#156. Does anyone else thinks it´s weird to have a pirate song as the call for the Brethren?

#157. Free drinks for eveyone!

#158. The hangman´s scary.

#158a. So is Beckett´s assistant.

#159. What a coincidence that every member of the Brethren can speak English, considering that we are all from different corners of the Earth!

#160. What good is the line "Never shall we die" if you are killed the second after you sung it?

#161. After a hangover your tongue feels fuzzy.

#161a. Mine does that every minute.

#162. All you have to remember is: I am Captain Jack Sparrow.

#163. My hat. My Pearl. My dirt. My rum. My peanut.

#163a. Everyone who disagrees or disapproves is a damn idiot.

#164. And here Barbossa comes again into the game.

#165. Smoking is bad for your health, you know.

#165a. But since you not even have a heart anymore, I think it´s ok, Jones.

#166. You filthy, mangy character

#167. I disapprove of the term "Jackass".

#168. Why has every villain a pet?

#168a. Barbossa´s monkey.

#168b. Jones´ Kraken.

#168c. At least Beckett had none.

#168d. I am afraid of Cotton now.

#169. I´ve never been a fan of traditions.

#169a. Hi dad! Keeper of the Code..and so on. ...somebody help me

#170. How come no one noticed that Davy Jones´ medaillon was laying in Tia Dalma´s house?

#171. Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?

#171a. Creepy monkey.

#172. I think a bathhouse is a stupid hideout for a pirate.

#172a. In your face Sao Feng!

#173. I am a hard man to predict

#174.When Will saved me from the hangman, he did look like a musketeer.

#175. Why does someone named Davy Jones captain a ship called "Flying Dutchman" when his name clearly indicate a anglo/american background?

#175a. Why call a ship Flying Dutchman at all? There no dutch people on board (I guess) and it can´t fly...it can submerge-rather the opposite then.

#176. You seem so familiar. Have I threatened you before?

#177. Whoever said "Hang the rules and hang the code!" did not know my dad.

#178. Why does everyone think that pirates bury all their treasure and leave treasure maps behind? When we make booty, we sail to the next port and spend it all while having one hell of a night.

#179. My soul is worth 100 souls.

#179a. Cool.

#180. Annoying Barbossa is fun.

#181. Does every savage folk honor their gody by eating them?

#182. Yes, Scarlett is fat.

#183. The keys run off.

#184. It was maybe not the best idea to search for the fountain of Youth with this very small boat.

#185. Piracy rocks!

#186. You need to find yourself a girl, mate!

#187. Bootstrap´s dumb: Why send a cursed pirate medaillon, which is wanted by cruel, demented vicious pirates who just marooned their own captain, to his uninvolved, unprotected wife and his only child?

#188. Falling in open graves is a bad omen, right?

#189. I am the only captain who managed to sail in a desert.

#190. I´m sorry for shooting the Jack without the shirt and with the cool tattoos.

#190a. I don´t know where that goat came from.

#191. Why did Will throw corpses off my ship when he was trying to think like me?

#191a. That was just gross.

#192. I need a bigger telescope.

#193. Why gave Barbossa his piece of eight, which is his pretty important, from all people to Ragetti?

#193a. Being dead screws with one´s mind. Honestly.

#194. Was Tia Dalma really barefoot all the time?

#195. I think Calypso and Davy Jones make a cute couple - they deserved each other.

#196. I won´t apologize for anything I´ve ever done.

#197. The Pearl..means Freedom.

#197a. To Freedom! To the Pearl! To RUM!

#198. I have a bigger telescope than Barbossa.

#199. Not all treasure is amde of silver and gold.

#199a Rum is a treasure, too.

#200. When I was hallucinating in Davy Jones´Locker, I saw multiple versions of myself. Later I saw a group of persons that abandoned me, betrayed me, marooned me (twice) (yeah, Barbossa again), killed me, are total strangers to me, have a witch with them and one persons was killed by myself...and now they wonder why I thought they were an illusion?

* * *

Author´s talk:

Thank you so much for your reviews. I really got a boost of energy out of them. Thanks for your lovely words.

I´m brain-dead now. But hey, 200 Rules are not bad.

When I have new ideas, I will continue. Honestly.


	5. 201 to 250

**The Jack Rules**

Disclaimer: not mine

Summary: Rules #201 to #250

Thanks: to all my awesome reviewers, you guys shiver me timbers (not that I know what that means, but it´s pirate language) Jao Ensatsu Kokuryuha, Amarin Rose, punkballet and Angeltreasure (I hope I could answer your questions) And thanks to everyone out there.

* * *

#201. Davy Jones maybe cannot set foot on land. But what about his crew? 

#201a. Or he could still just shoot you. He doesn´t have to be on land to do that.

#202. I do believe in omen.

#202a. I was born on a ship in the middle of a taifun, what do you expect?

#203. If I´d lose in a fair fight, what point is there for me fighting fair?

#204. I hate mills. And wheels.

#205. Who the hell is Ponce de Leon?

#206. I admit that fountain of youth does not sound bad...but it lacks the word "immortality"

#207. What good is it being a teenager again, but still a mere mortal one?

#208. Why the hell didn´t we just pull Governor Swann on board when he was passing by?

#208a. Or why didn´t Tia Dalma bring him back like Barbossa? What about me?

#209. Witchcraft is creepy.

#210.Which damn idiot had the idea to install an organ on a ship?

#211.Barbossa- a man so evil that hell spat himself back out...I _knew_ that I have some friends down there.

#212. He was a bloody scoundrel, a scallywag.

#212a. Oops, that would have been me.

#213. Take what you can - give nothing back.

#214. How´s mum?

#215. I´m not fighting over knitting nedles. Certainly not with Barbossa.

#216. Severe dehydration caused by excessic consumation of alcoholic beverages - too many difficult words for me. I´m thirsty.

#217. I did notice.

#218. I know that Tortuga means tortoise.

#219. Beckett sucks.

#220. I don´t like maelstroms.

#220a. Especially if some lunatic steers my ship into it.

#221. I hate Barbossa.

#222. There´s no hat like my hat.

#223. How did the coin with the insignia of the EITC get onto the Pelogostos ´island?

#224. Yes, that is the shinbone of a reindeer. Was the shinb...is the shin...whatever

#225. I don´t suffer from insanity - I enjoy every moment.

#225a. If I wasn´t this probably would never work.

#226. What do you mean with "Rolling Stone"?

#227. Firing a cannon is fun.

#227a. Firing lots of cannons multiple times is even funnier.

#228. Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate´s life for me.

#229. Politics...

#230. Palle, pallelu, paisley, palle, pallelulu...parry, parly...

#231. I wonder what has happened to all the gold at the Isla de Muerta.

#232. We have our heading.

#233. Water + pistols ...not good.

#233a. Especially when trying to shoot Barbossa.

#234. It must be terrible for you, Jack...IT BLOODY IS NOW!

#235.How did Bootstrap get onto the Pearl to give me the Black Spot?

#236. Nice hat.

#237. We know Tia Dalma was Calypso, the goddess of the sea; Davy Jones claimed to be the sea...what next?

#237a. Barbossa revealing he´s Poseidon? Neptun? Triton? The longlost heir to the throne of Atlantis?

#238. I do respect Morgan and Bartholomew...sometimes.

#238a. I didn´t mean to, Dad.

#239. We are pirates. Nuff said.

#240. After the calm before the storm comes the storm itself...then the eye of the storm...and the storm again.

#241. Necklace made of toes...yeesh...

#242. Pally, porle, pallolu, palis, polis...

#243. Wheel of fortune...I said "I hate wheels."

#244. I do what I like..and I like what I do.

#245. How come such fine two gentlemen like you did not merit an invitation?

#246. With "Jolly Roger" we don´t mean a happy guy named Roger...it´s a French thing.

#247. It would have never worked between us.

#248. Your funeral.

#249. I know that I had the Pearl for three years and sunk her twice

#249a. I don´t care that Barbossa sailed for ten years without a scratch, I hate him.

#250. Touch of destiny...creepy, I know.

* * *

Author´s talk: I know it´s been an eternity since I last updated...but I simply had no ideas left. I hope I could keep up the standard. 

And, just once again for those who managed to overread it or did not pay attention:

If you have a suggestion for a rule, a witty idea, or something, feel free to contribute by telling me, via review, pm or write it on a piece of paper, put that into a bottle, drop it into the ocean and wait around 33.2 years for me to respond. Thank you in advance.

And I did notice that I shamelessly quoted #225 from a T-shirt..and that #244 was inspired by Mary Poppins.

It´s in the middle of the night, I can write whatever my sleep-deprived bain wants.


	6. 251 to 300

**The Jack Rules**

Disclaimer: not mine

Summary: #251 to #300

Thanks to: Sparrow317 for contributing awesome rules to this fic

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#251. William (a.k.a. whelp) stole my look. 

#251a. He still isn´t as handsome as I am.

#251b. My bandana looks cooler than his.

#252. When Lizzie is near, hide all the rum.

#253. Big Fire!

#254. A lady should wear a dress or nothing.

#254a. I happen to have no dress in my cabin.

#255. Smith...or Smithy if you like

#256. Come to think of it...Bootstrap and Will didn´t exactly look like each other...

#257. Get me that monkey, I want to shoot something.

#258. What do you say to three shillings, and we forget the name?

#258a. Remember kids, corruption is not funny.

#259. I apologize to the dead man whose leg I used to row away.

#259a. Sorry mate

#260. 50 men on the Dead Man´s Chest...how can they all fit onto that small thing?

#261. A drawring of a key!

#262. Shiny?

#263. If we don´t have the key, we can´t open whatever we don´t have that it unlocks .

#263a. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don´t have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?

#263b. Savy?

#264. A little seasoning, eh?

#265. Why is the rum always gone?

#265a. Not the rum!

#266. Black Spot - No good

#267. Don´t eat me!

#268. Just say "Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt".

#268a. Trust me.

#269. I know what I want

#270. Isn´t it quite absurd that pirates tend to be superstitious, they belive in the bible...but still they go on sacking, pillaging, killing and so on?

#271. Baboogy-sniggle-sniggle.

#272. Why dou you need about six men to crew the Black Pearl, when you need only two for the Interceptor?

#273. I wonder what Anamaria is doing...

#274. Oh buggar.

#275. I don´t have problems with alcohol...just without

#276. Why do we have nine pirate lords when it´s always "the seven seas"?

#277. No. _You_ want you to find this.

#278. Look! An undead monkey!

#278a. Top that.

#279. A woman!

#280. Shall we seal it in blood?

#280a. I mean ink.

#281. Davy Jones is indeed a very creepy man.

#282. Dark side of ambition - Norrington

#283. The fish pirates were more than. creepy

#283a. I prefer the sceleton ones.

#284. Liar´s dice is a stupid game...still haven´t understand the rules

#285. Rum is my best friend.

#286. My first and only love is the sea.

#287. Unique does NOT mean broken.

#288. Don´t summon the Kraken!

#289. Parsle, pallelu, paisler, paluuleluulela...Parlay!

#290. My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.

#291. Curiosity!

#292. My compass works fine.

#293. ...why did I never ask why Barbossa was still alive...again alive..not dead...whatever

#294. I want my jar of dirt.

#295. I do tell the truth quite a lot, yet people are always surprised.

#296. Do as I say, not as I do...or was it the other way round?

#297. Time and tide love.

#298. Commodore Barbossa... better than Norrington, but still baaaaad.

#299. I do believe that I´m the only man who managed to make port in Port Royal by making one single step from the mast of his ship to the port.

#299a. And it wasn´t a really big step either.

#300. Sao Feng has a really mean punch.

* * *

author´s talk: It´s been a long time sicne I updated, wasn´t it? Hey, I´ve received 20 reviews, how cool is that? 

Thansk to all you guys, your support lifts me up.

(Maybe you have noticed, but I watched DMC while writings this...well not actually watch, because the TV points in my opposite direction...)


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